Peter
by razra
Summary: But Peter knew that he could never be strong enough to support the three of them. (my thoughts behind some of Peter's actions)
1. Subterfuge

**Subterfuge **

Peter hated group projects, especially when there were only three allowed per group. He stared sullenly across the classroom where Sirius, James, and Remus were laughing and joking. Logically, he knew he shouldn't feel like this. Logically.

He still couldn't help it.

They were his best friends and he would do anything for them, but maybe…

Maybe, their relationship wasn't what Peter thought it was.

He shook his head; he hated when he had these thoughts, because he knew that they were completely unfounded… or mostly un-_no. Stop._ Peter truncated his thoughts and tried to bring his concentration back to the project at hand, but it was impossible when he could hear Sirius, James, and Remus laughing…

Laughing without him. His thoughts turned dark again.

Peter wasn't really needed, was he? That's how it always was…Peter needed the three of them far more than they would ever need him, but he desperately wanted to be someone they could depend on. Wasn't that why he had begged the Sorting Hat to put him in Gryffindor and not Hufflepuff like the Hat originally intended? Peter wanted to change; he wanted to be someone better, someone stronger, someone people wouldn't be embarrassed to know, someone who could stand on his own two feet…

Someone admirable.

Yet, he couldn't help feeling that he wasn't changing at all. Four years had already passed and he was still the soft, sullen boy who was always picked on and who was always left behind; he was still the boy who clung to others for help. Had he accomplished anything on his own? Had he done anything that he could really call his own?

Yes, he had become an Animagus, but he had been the last - by far, and though the intention was noble – to help Remus and make sure that the other boy never did anything he would regret – Peter couldn't help wondering if he had somehow twisted it (_Maybe if I can keep his secret, maybe if I become an Animagus, they will finally accept me…?_). It was a lie.

There was always a barrier between Peter and _them. _

There would always be a barrier.

He would never truly be one of _them_.

Raucous laughter broke through his thoughts and he glanced up at his three "best" friends. Maybe it was better to be alone. (After all, hadn't he been alone all those years before meeting James, Remus, and Sirius?).

It was safer.

No one could hurt him.

Loneliness immediately ripped through his heart and he knew that he would never be able to go back to how he had been before meeting the three of them, not after knowing what it was like to have friends, even if they didn't consider him as an equal.

_It's ok. You can be there for them; they just won't ever be there for you. _

He swallowed down his feelings as class ended. He wiped his face clean of any emotion (though, he was sure that his thoughts were well hidden anyway; the only emotion he ever had trouble masking was nervousness…) and gathered his books. Taking another deep breath, he turned and walked towards his three "best" friends. James and Sirius were still laughing about something and Remus has an amused, but exasperated, look on his face, but when Remus turned to greet Peter, the expression dropped.

"Something wrong?" Concern was etched across his pale face.

Peter shook his head, unable to trust his voice. _It's ok. It's ok. It's okit'sokit'sokit'sok. _

_It's ok, because even though they will never be there for you, you can try to be there for them. _

"No. Nothing. Nothing's wrong." He gave a weak smile.

But Peter knew that he could never be strong enough to support the three of them.


	2. Attrition

**Attrition**

Peter stared across the street as Sirius furiously made his way toward him. He had thought and had hoped that meeting in a public arena with muggles about would cool his "best" friend's hot head a bit, but apparently not. "Peter!" Sirius growled, half screaming, half crying. "How could you?!" Pain and anger were etched into every line in his "best" friend's face. Peter flinched. He had expected this, but nothing could prepare him for the reality of it.

Somehow, the words the Gryffindor wanted to say were locked in his throat, and he clutched subconsciously at his collar. The world was closing in rapidly. He realized Sirius wanted to kill him. He realized this and yet…

He had hoped that maybe, just maybe, the other Gryffindor would hear him out, but Sirius would never listen; he never had… and Remus… Remus, too, would leave him once he found out the reason behind James' death. Peter was alone.

Again.

Always.

He swallowed painfully, but the words were still locked in his throat. Sirius was going to kill him, and all Peter could think was that if he had to die for his sins, was it selfish of him not to want to die by his "best" friend's hands?

_I'm sorry…_

He closed his eyes and the world exploded; screams permeated the air, and there was one loud growl of anger.

_For everything. _

…

When did everything start to go wrong?

He thought he could protect the three of them if he fed information to the Dark Lord, and for awhile, it worked. The screams of his "best" friends that once kept Peter up late at night abated. He no longer had nightmares of the three of them dying brutal deaths by the hands of the Death Eaters, or worse, the Dark Lord.

So when did everything fall apart?

Was it when he had become the secret keeper?

...

Why had Sirius insisted he be the secret keeper?

Why had James agreed?

Peter had never been part of _them_…

Had he?


End file.
